Bullet Raja

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This is my weekly review column for Masala!

Bullet Raja

Director- Tigmanshu Dhulia

Aftors- Saif Ali Khan, Jimmy Shergil, Sonakshi Sinha, Raj Babbar, Gulshan Grover, Ravi Kishen and many more than this page can ever hold.

Dear Tigmanshu Dhulia

I am most upset that I was the reason you won the National award and you ditched me for Main bhi Dabang part87 Bullet Raja? How could you do this? *Unfriends on facebook* hmph!

Yours truly
Realistic Cinema
Paan Singh Tomar

And that pretty much sums up my review for Bullet Raja. If your heart still turns a 600 mpb at the mention of Chulbul-hum-ladiezz-ki-respect-karte-hain- Pandey, then you would love the film or else the pseudo intellectuals like us with unrealistic expectations of subtlety in films can sit in a corner and wallow.

But I can’t even blame Tigmanshu to make a shift from his Saheb Biwi Gangster or Paan Singh Tomar act to a rather over the top rambunctious Bullet Raja. The former was watched by exactly three people (Anupama Chopra, Rajeev Masand and Taran Adarsh, occupational hazard you see!). Despite critical acclaim and a national award the film maker was last seen borrowing money from his friends to pay his Vodafone bills.  So the director decided, abbey subtlety-realisitic-cinema-ki-mom-ki-aankh, I will deliver what janta wants. So no matter what jokes I crack about Bullet Raja, the fact is that Tigmanshu Dhulia will read this review on his latest model of gold plated Swarovski studded I-phone.

The film was initially called tewar, attitude, which defines the Jai-Veeru characters of Saif-ample-cleavage-on-display-Khan and Jimmy-I-can’t-believe-I-started-with-Mohabattein-Shergill. It’s a buddy film and both the actors share a great camaraderie. Saif plays Raja Mishra, a sharp shooter, who shoots people down with his full Macho-bade aaram se attitude (there’s enough branding in the film you can’t miss). He becomes Jimmy’s (Rudra Tripathi’s) best buddy at a wedding and in some uncontrolled circumstances they both become political commandos (after all politicians also need security) and get entangled in a web of dirty politics and finally find themselves against the system. 

The first 30 minutes of the film is slick as a sonnet and before I started mind-drafting an encomium for the film, slick turns into slack and leaves me all disappointed. The film has some decently etched characters, rooted deep in the rustic land of Uttar Pradesh, except there are just too many of them. There is a revenge story in every twenty minutes of the film and before you keep a track of one Mishra or a Tripathi, a brand new Srivastav or a Balram or a Shukla or a Yadav is mercilessly slapped on your face and your temples hurt keeping a track of the characters. Can you believe they introduce Vidyut-high-on-steroid-Jamwal and his super cop story when we are already two hours into the film?

Saif Ali Khan plays the UP ruffian with charm, slipping in and out of the bhaiya accent. Jimmy Shergill is a delight to watch. Raj Babbar, Gulshan Grover, Ravi Kishen, Chunkey Pandey (told you too many characters!!) have all played their parts well. 

 In a testosterone driven film, heroines have the hardest role to play. They have to look pretty, sing a couple of songs, play a scapegoat or a bait and deliver exactly two and a half- main-tumhara-intezaar-karungi- dialogues and Sonakshi Sinha has mastered such roles. She plays whippersnapper of a girl friend who falls in love with Raja babu  within a day she meets him and lends her inamorato a shoulder (broader than Saif’s-Jimmy’s put together) to cry whenever required. I usually don’t indulge in physical jokes but I can’t resist this one. Sonakshi’s forehead has often been talked about. In Bullet Raja with Saif and Sonakshi’s forehead put together, there is enough scope and more for a new highway and at-least 3 more Salik gates.

The music of the film by Sajid Wajid is just average and inconsequential. The title song and Tamanche pe Disco are trippy though. 

 The film beautifully captures the real locations of Lucknow and the interiors of UP but tiringly shifts to Mumbai and Kolkata without much rhyme or reason.

Saif in an interview said he used real guns in the movie to give a real touch. Of course real guns are so important in a film where cars flare up in flames, people are shot like it’s going out of fashion and bullets are fired lavishly like in a video game. So much for real cinema in a three hour fake-fest! Wow. I am simply touched.

Had the film been two songs and an hour shorter, the bullet would have hit the bull’s eye. I will go with not more than 2 ½ stars!  

Gori (how racist-chi) tere pya mein

Let’s start with the good parts in the movie – the beginning, the ads that play thereafter and the trailer of ‘Sholay’, now in 3D! And the bad part? The rest of 150 minutes that follow. 

Last week it was Ram on the big screen (read ‘Ram Leela’) and this week it’s S-r-e-e RAM played by uber cool Imran Khan. After hiding his three and a half expressions behind the ‘character ki demand’ beard in Matru-can’t-act-saala, Imran conveniently slips back to what he does best or what Karan Johar thinks he does best — play an urban guy and yet manage to do it differently. Aside from a talented famous mamujaan, Imran’s biggest achievement is a million followers on twitter. (Oops sorry that’s the legendary cricketer… now, that’s the perk of having famous namesakes!) 

The first half of the film is about a couple who are as white as chalk and as different as chalk and cheese. Meet Dia (Kareena Kapoor), the hotter version of Anna Hazare, an NGO-type girlfriend who indulges in ‘deep talking’ like one must vote, not buy a fancy car with papa’s hard-earned money, be a vegetarian (OMG how can you kill somebody!) and thinks you are shallow if you head to Spain’s Tomatina festival! (Hrithik, Farhan, Abhay, go hide your face somewhere, gabde bachche, hmph!) Her idea of a date is in a red-light area where she doesn’t do coochie-coo with her beau but makes a documentary on sex workers! (Girlfriend hain ya Gulabi Gang ki head!?). But Kareena plays the character with utmost charm and infuses some life to a rather weak character written by Punnet Malhotra and Arshad Syed.

In contrast is self-centered, lazy lad Sreeram (Imran) who, like his father puts it, is ‘the black sheep’ of the family. He is really vice. He prefers partying (haw!!) to attending a relative’s funeral (tch tch tch) and drools at the sight of a crab in a restaurant. (This is too much yaar, how can you be so insensitive!) 

The second half is somewhat serious and deals with real issues like building a bridge in a village because Mother India girlfriend is resolved to helping poor villagers. This works brilliantly in plotting, sorry, building bridges between the couple (gosh too much symbolism worthy of Ayn Rand) and changing Sreeram as a person (the crux of most of the relationships). Except the whole goddamn thing takes so much time that I turned 50 by the end of it.

Then there are other important characters as well, like Vasudha, played by Shradha (I-have-given-100-crore-Ashiqui2-yet-playing-second-lead-what-to-do-can’t-say-no-to-Karan-Johar) Kapoor. Anupam Kher also has a (not so) friendly appearance as the antagonist in the film whose ‘thappad ki goonj suni’ makes a very sad comeback.

Shashank Tere earns a special mention here for his prowess to create a Gujarati village far more real than the gaudy Ranjar in ‘Ram Leela’!

The songs of the film are…ummm…PLENTY! Lyricists after exhausting all similes around eyes, hair, lips have dared move further down and got stuck at, err how do I say this, posterior? ‘Tooh’ much I say. What’s amusing is that someone is actually getting paid to write lyrics like- tooh, duffer, dhat teri ki and chingam chaba ke. But do we expect more from Anvita Dutt Guptan who has given us gems like (YO! Niki Bakshi, sweet and sexy, full on rocking, hot and happening from ta tara tah tara ‘Neal puke Nikki’) or more recently- (Stud)ent of the year’s – ‘D’ance like a ‘D’eewna tonight ‘P’arty like a ’P’arwana tonight, ‘M’ove like a ‘M’astana tonight, that marked the sad demise  of the term ‘alliteration.’

 But I must confess Vishal Shekhar’s music grew on me in three stages-

 a) First time- whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??
 b) A week later- head banging in my studio when no one was looking!!
 c) 10 days later- Dance like a windmill in clubs every time the DJ spun a ‘tooh’ or a ‘chingam’.

Vishal Dadlani, the music director of the film, said that the film would redefine rom-coms in our industry. I am wondering how many drinks he was down with when he said that! Not sure about rom-coms but the film would definitely redefine social activists in our country. Kareena plays a firebrand social worker who sweeps villages clean like a sakku bai during the day and unabashedly shakes her tooh like a pro at night. (Arundati Roy, Shabana Azmi NOT to get encouraged please!).

In India, we have films catering to all sensibilities. Like you can’t expect a Grand Masti out of a Lunchbox or vice-versa, you can easily expect a typical Karan Johar film from Gori Tere Pyaar Mein. I just expected better writing, rounded characters and a stronger story line! 

I will go with not more than 2 stars!

Goliyon ki Raas Leela Ram Leela

Aave ni aave Juliet ben ne Romeo bhai ke liye dhoklo banva che – Ram Leela

Directed by: Sanjay Leela Bhansali
Starring: Ranveer Singh, Deepika Padukone, Supriya Pathak, Richa Chadda
Rating: 2.5 stars out of 5

Let’s start with understanding the difference between a normal Hindi film and a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film. In a normal Hindi film, if a woman has to walk out of the house, she just walks out of the house. In a Bhansali musical, there are no houses, only hawelis. The woman runs down a spiral staircase, 90 yards of fabric trailing behind her, sweeping the floor getting stuck in 79 chandeliers, 84 doors and 71 windows. She gets hysterical without a reason and pulls down a few curtains (adding more fabric), tumbles over candles, so her dupatta catches fire, it’s doused in the verandah’s fountain and finally she reaches the wrought iron gate of the haweli to haggle with the sabziwala.

Amidst all these visually appealing shots, do we have a story? HELL YEAH! A story never heard before that will blow your mind away; a story of two peace-loving individuals belonging to two warring clans (ooooooh soooooo sad!!) who fall in love with each other (really??!) and can’t be together because mummy, papa, didi, bhaiya, Pinky aunty and Chadhdha uncle won’t agree (tough life I say). If names like Romeo Juliet, ‘Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak’, ‘Ek Duje Ke Liye’ and most recently ‘Ishaqzaade’ don’t ring a bell in your head, then clearly sarcasm is wasted on some people.

The songs in the film have a simple story in between. The movie begins with a market scene where it’s established that the Rajaadis (Ram’s family) are at loggerheads with the Saneras (Leela’s family). And a song is inserted. We meet Ram’s family (insert song). We meet Leela’s family (insert song). Then Ram meets Leela, followed by a song. They fall in love instantly. Why? Gosh, how dare you ask for some logic in a Hindi film! They are about to run away but their family members are murdered in a fun let’s-play-a-point-and-shoot-game in the market. Why? Dude, you are way too demanding! Despite moaning families, Ram and Leela run away. Now it’s been a full seven minutes and they haven’t inserted a song. Damn. There is a song for every occasion in the film, sorry correction, every moment, every action and every eyebrow lift!

The actors in this costume drama have performed pretty well. Supriya Pathak as Leela’s mother is menacing. The only problem is the Hansa hangover (from ‘Khichdi’). One can almost hear at the end of her sentences – “Prafullll, what issssskhana kha ke jaana haan.”

Cheap, loud, raw and rambunctious define Ram’s characters and Ranveer pretty much lives it like he is on home territory. The lines between the character and him don’t blur, they simply merge. He has got the Gujarati accent down pretty well and his histrionics are worthy of a Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s opulence. The only thing I couldn’t bear was his oil massaged bare body that flashed every second and the hideous rupee sign tattoo on his arm.

Deepika Padukone has finally got something ‘different’ to play. After playing a strong-headed girl based in Australia (‘Bachna Ae Haseenon’) to playing a strong-headed girl based in England (‘Love Aaj Kal’) to playing a strong-headed girl based in London (‘Cocktail’) to playing a strong-headed girl based in Chennai in ‘Chennai Express’ finally gets to play – hold your breath for this one – a strong-headed girl based in Gujarat in ‘Ram Leela’. But it doesn’t take away from her performance. There is a certain sense of ease and confidence that one sees in her act.

In one of the scenes, Ram makes it to Leela’s bedroom (alarmingly, in exactly six minutes after their meeting, India shining I tell you!), happily sprawled across her bed and she looks at his chest and is surprised to see no hair. Madam, please look up. You haven’t focused on his face. There’s one full Gir forest, the kind that would give Pritamda a run for his money.

Pritam brings me to the music of the film. It’s not enough these days to say “great music” unless you use fancy words. Sanjay Leela Bhansali has composed culturally nourished songs dipped in Rajasthani flavor blending in with Gujarati folk in soulful renditions of a myriad of new singers’ soulful voices. Pause. Do you really need great music when you have Deepika and Priyanka on the big screen? They could be dancing to Twinkle Twinkle and it would be a numero uno!

To give the film due credit, it looks beautiful. Bhansali is an artist and manages to capture stunning visuals in his lens. The cinematographer Ravi Varman (of ‘Barfi’ fame) has done a fine job too. However, Sanjay makes a big mistake in shifting from his sister Bela Sehgal to Rajesh G Pandey as the editor of the film. The film is painfully long and abounds with clichs, misunderstandings, cheap family politics, disrespecting women and my favorite – I-am-an-absolute-duffer-and-I-shall-sign-these-papers-because-I-trust-you!

Brevity is definitely not our filmmaker’s virtue. The film is like Deepika Padukone – sundar hain par bahut LAMBI hain. In a desperate attempt to show passion, some of the scenes are so badly written that it makes you laugh rather than evoke empathy. In an intense scene where Leela has an argument with her sister-in-law, giving logic as to why she should be with Ram. “Namkeen nani, Nanu naam ka, Leela ki maang mein Sindoor Ram ka.” This was the moment when I thought I had had enough. The GPS of my mind was then locating a medical store in the mall.

At the end of the film I thought to myself – which idiot would choose a film like ‘Ram Leela’ over Sachin’s historic match at Wankhede? Hey hang on for a sec. That WOULD BE ME!!!!!

Krishh 3 

Director- Rakesh Roshan

Cast- Hrithik Roshan, Priyanka Chopra, Vivek Oberoi and Kangana Ranaut.

 Stars- *1/2

 So what is similar between Krishh 3 and Narendar Modi? The hype! Like Modi seems to gain popularity because the ruling government is accused of its inefficiency no matter, petrol pyaaz or poverty, similarly Krishh 3 could shine at the box office because of the releases that preceded it- Boss (burp!), Grand Masti (someone please save me!!) and Besharam (a movie that would make Basanti tangewali worthy of an Oscar nomination!)

 

 

The film begins with contrasting plans of the good man Rohit (old irritating Bournvita guzzling Hrithik Roshan) trying to revive the dead with sunlight and Kaal (I am Loreal’s next face as I have dipped my face in foundation and streaked my eyes with kohl Vivek Oberoi) creating a new virus to cause many a deaths in (don’t laugh) Namibia. The tension between the two and how the good triumphs over evil makes the plot of the film with an overdose of special effects, funky costumes, incredible CGs (and preaching enough that puts you to sleep and turns you into a Mahatma before you leave the theater). 

 

I wonder if it’s a good thing to find scientific justification in these films. The film opens with Rohit (old Hrithik) using JUST the sunlight in the right proportion to infuse a new life into a dead plant and in a heartbeat all my photosynthesis learnings in class V go down the drain. 

 

Then there is a rather grave situation in the film. Kaal (the bad bad guy) has spread some fatal virus in amchi Mumbai and people are turning a crimson red in the face and screaming for help. In comes the father son duo with some stubborn blood group that refuses to be affected by the virus. Why? (Arey bhai super hero ka blood hain, mazak hain kya?) An antidote is then created from Krishh’s blood in a nano second. But how do we get this antidote to so many people across the city? Tada! We have our very own Krishh’s door to door courier services, oops I mean, roof to roof services, followed by some fancy blue colored fireworks exploding the life saving antidote into the environment and before you can say Jack Robbinson, the world is heaving a sigh of relief. 

 

The performances are anything but real. Vivek Oberoi in his grainy raspy fake baritone whispers through most of his dialogues. It’s only towards the end of the film that the filmmakers realized what a bad actor he is, hence put him in a suit that concealed not only his body but also his face. That was the only time he was bearable. But who knows who hid behind that mask/that helmet? I doubt it could also be Nawazudin Siddique.

 

Priyanka Chopra has an important role to play in the film. She wears a red dress first and dances to Raghupati Raghav Raja Ram, then she slips into a peach colored silk sari and dances to God Bhagwaan Allah and not to forget she is pregnant in the film, hence not only the carrier of Krishh’s baby but of millions of sequels to come. (You can run, hide not escape!)

 

Hrithik Roshan has the perfect body to play a super hero. He is brilliant in most parts of the film but his nostrils seem to overact sometimes. In emotionally charged films you must notice how his nostrils flare up and his face looks as if he has devoured a cellphone on vibrator. Too much muscle movement sir!!! 

 

The film is a subtle reminder (read shamelessly copied) of many characters and moments in X men and other comic books/thrillers. The mutant Striker with his chameleon tongue is your desi version of Toad from X Men and Kangana Ranaut has borrowed her black leather jumpsuit from Halle Berry from X Men 2. {Madam please give suit madam, all budget spent on Priyanka’s saris and Hrithik’s mask madam}

 

So if you can digest a mutant doing a perfect Chimmi and lip-syncing a romantic song, put up with some lost and found plot in a not so Manmohan Desai happy style, deal with heavy duty preaching like – ‘hum sab mein Krishh hain’ and look over dialogues like “kaise bachaoge ise..apni jaan dekar” or even worse “ek pita ke aansuo (tears) mein kitna dum hain tum nahi jaante” then the film might work for you. 

 

And before you think you can’t take done to death filmy scenes anymore, the film offers you a climax full of “I have kidnapped your wife/son/father/kaam wali bai. If you want them safe, come to my den and we shall fight. 

 

Besides Amitabh Bachchan’s narration, a few good action sequences and some jaw dropping visuals, the film didn’t do much for me. People ask me why we don’t take Indian science fiction seriously when we can sing paeans to the Supermans and Batmans of the world. I will tell you why. As long as the Indian makers won’t take their viewers seriously, the reverse would always be a far cry. Imagine the world is coming to an end and you have a Superman jumping out of his cape and red briefs and slipping into a linen yellow shirt and start singing ‘dil tu hi bata’. It’s these kinds of moments that make me wonder if I should have spent those 35 on a plate of “chole bhature” in Karama.

 

While walking out of the theater I overheard someone say-  the film is so unreal dude…how can Priyanka Chopra be in perfect make up when she woke up that morning in the film? Are you kidding me? You just watched a super hero film. You believe in the concept, you clapped relentlessly when Krissh jumped over buildings and did a pole dance on an antenna to land precisely on a plane about to crash, you believed in Kaal and his mutants, you can even believe that Vivek Oberoi is still getting movies and Kangana Ranaut can act, and you have a problem with Priyanka Chopra’s make up!? 

The film starts with a disclaimer- all animals in the film were treated with love and care. I wish they had shown as much concern for the viewers! 

 

Mickey Virus

In a country like India where it takes sixty minutes and a half to download a song, it takes exactly sixty seconds for a movie like MickeyVirus to hack into the multiple firewalls secured website of a bank. Well that’s a typical Hindi movie for you. So if you keep throw your logic up in the attic and surrender to the fun ride of this comic thriller, you might sit on the edge of your seat, trim a few nails under your teeth and trip over a few popcorn. 

Let me start with a confession. I expected Mickey Virus to be a rip off on Vicky Donor. I mean a film that’s based in Delhi, speaks similar Punjabi twanged language and whose title is just a letter shift from the Ayushman Khurana debut; you can’t blame me for my presumptions. I confess I was surprised. Besides the setting and the language the movie has a fresh story to tell.

Mickey Arora is a quintessential Delhi boy; talented, street smart yet lazy and unambitious. He sits at his mom’s grocery store during the day and moonlights as a hacker. The film starts with Delhi hacker Mickey Arora and his gang of friends- Chutney (straight out from an MTV Splits villa set) Floppy (it’s cool to have a Sardar ji in Hindi films these days and Honey/Happy/Lucky are passé as Surdy names) and Pancho (considering Delhi-ites breathe this word in every sentence, it very believably passes off as a name). The Delhi Police seeks Mickey’s help to solve a hacker case and how his life gets entangled in a web of hackers and how he manages to wriggle out pretty much sums up the story.

Manish Paul gets full marks for his comic timings. The character is an extension of his role as an anchor on dance reality shows; cool, calm, candid and cheeky and he pulls it off with ease. I remember how Manish and I hosted so many events back in Delhi. Little did we know then, he would end up doing a film and me reviewing it!

The film abounds with subtle humor. I laughed out loud to see a hacker wear a tee that read- Jab Tak Hain Trojan. The dialogues are both as Delhi and as technical as it gets to suit the flavor of the film. You have gems like- “Main kya universal charger hoon jo kahi bhi ghused doge.”Or “Aaj kal ki generation kaisi hain; kapde khule rehte hain, phone pe lock laga rehta hain.”

Elli Avram, the Swedish Greek actress, is almost unrecognizable as she makes a smooth shift from her ‘sans make up’ avatar on Bigg Boss to a face that hides behind layers of foundation and extensive make up. I am most tempted to say she has a long way to go as an actor, but really, whom am I kidding. It’s Bollywood where Katrina Kaif is the highest paid actress despite her dyslexia when it comes to phonetically articulating in Hindi. By those standards, Elli is Shabana Azmi and shows promise.

Varun Badola earns a special mention here. For me he is the star of the movie. He plays the role of a Delhi cop to a T. His lines are funny and his delivery even funnier. It’s so heartwarming to see such a great actor finally get his due. This role would win him as many accolades as Vicky Donor did for Anu Malik.

Since giving stars is so main stream, here’s my verdict- It’s a 3 on 5 for me! Let this virus enter your life, it’s fun and harmless!